WARNING: If you’re not in the mood for a bitch session, please come back tomorrow night after I’ve had a chance to see Dr. Awesomesauce and get all nice and settled down again. Otherwise, bear with me because I’ve enjoyed all of this week I can stand.
Speaking of standing—or rather, NOT standing—I’ve been extraordinarily accident-prone this week. First I had the rear-end collision on Monday (which is turning out to be a gold-plated pain in the ass) and sprained my toe, then fell twice in the snow. Naturally, I’m a shade unsteady on my feet with this special walking shoe, especially at 5:30 in the morning while going downstairs, and I fell again—this time on the stairs with hot coffee in my hand. Luckily I only broke a fingernail and sustained a very minor sprain to my ring finger, but that’s three falls in a matter of four days. This damned right foot is gonna be the death of me, if the snow and ice don’t get me first.
Being in pain and having my sleep patterns suddenly go to hell in a handbasket have done little for my disposition, which can best be described as prickly. I’ve been itchy and irritable, sarcastic and sassy, so I’ve really been lucky to have an empathetic partner at work this week. He’s a former ER nurse and is bitter and jaded by trade, so he’s been the perfect guy to bounce my gripes off of (and yeah, I know that’s a grievous example of bad grammar, but guess what? I’m about half past give-a-shit right now).
The bitch of it is, I really don’t know WHERE this came from. Sure I’m worried about Will and the complications that have arisen with his cancer, and I’m worried about whether I can continue in my job if things go sideways with him. Then of course I worry about what the hell ELSE I can do if it doesn’t work out because I’m putting everything I have into this. I hate it that I don’t have a Plan B. But there’s no time even to think about developing one because things are moving so fast in my life right now that I can barely stop long enough to catch my breath. Add in poor quality sleep and a little mixed hypomania for good measure, and I feel like this:
OK, I can’t really discount the BP entirely because I’m not sleeping well and have been a little…..well…..hypomanic. So there. I admit it. I’ve been a little better the past couple of days because I took the Vitamin Z for a few nights, but it’s not like I can LIVE on the stuff. And that’s the other thing that’s royally pissing me off: why can’t I be stable for longer than two months?? The mood swings are definitely not as bad as they used to be, but that’s because I’ve gotten better at dealing with them before they become full-blown clusterfucks that get me into trouble.
But what I want is to NOT HAVE them, at least not every damn time I turn around. I don’t have TIME for this shit. I’m on a lot of medication already, and I’ve worked hard to stick to a schedule for going to bed and waking up. Why aren’t these measures enough to keep me on an even keel? And why can’t I just go through normal, everyday life crap like everybody else? Inquiring minds want to know…..