OK, so I took the Vitamin Z for a couple of days and got the sleep thing straightened out….or so I thought. I don’t know why the hell I keep waking up during the night, but it’s making me irritable and itchy, as though I can’t find a place for myself. I also caught myself arguing about politics on Facebook last night, which is NEVER a good sign.
This is such bullshit. I’ve been doing so well and there’s no reason for this to be happening. Yes, I’m dealing with some challenges, but so what, everybody has to…..they don’t ALL get nervous and fidgety and cranky to the point where they have to take extra medication so they can get through it.
I don’t have TIME for this right now. God willing and enough snow melts so I can get out of my driveway, I’m going out on survey tomorrow morning, and I can’t be bothered with these symptoms. I also don’t want to have to resort to taking PRNs every time there’s a blip on the radar. I believe in being proactive, and I was doing so when I took the Zyprexa for those two nights, but I need to develop some other coping mechanisms because things are going to be tough for a long, long time. I have a lot to prove in this job, and my husband has complications from his cancer……I can’t handle all of this if I’m a zombie. Or if I’m off the frigging spool.
At least I recognize what’s happening. I’ve gotten a whole lot better at catching things before they spin out of control, and even though it’s really hard to do what’s in my best interests, I’m still working at it. I’m just disappointed that I don’t seem to be able to keep my symptoms IN control for longer than a couple of months, and of course my first instinct is to blame myself even though I know on an intellectual level that NONE of this is my fault. I’m hard-wired for that, and I don’t know how to disrupt the circuit.
Oh well, enough whining, I’ll just take the miracle stuff for another night or tow, go to bed a bit earlier, and then talk to Dr. A on Friday. I was looking forward to increasing the time between appointments to 2-3 months—not because I don’t enjoy our sessions, but damn, isn’t it about time to get off the leash for a little while?? I have been at this for TWO YEARS…..seems I should be able to get more than two months in between these stupid mood swings.
Not that this is really a mood swing—not yet—it’s just a combination of anxiety, irritability, and restlessness and I’ve gotta get rid of it by tomorrow. Hello Zyprexa my old friend, I’ll have to talk with you again…..
bpnurse 
This sounds all to familiar. I wish I had words of wisdom. I have been persevering for 10 years. I always feel like I’m waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. I decides along time ago that I want to live and I can only do what I can do. It’s the pressures I put on myself like”I should be better, do better, do more, why can’t I just be like everyone else.” I feel the truth is people (like you said) have hard times too. Just because you go through a tough patch you are hyper aware having to analyze every thought process. Yeah I get it. Just remember to breath and do the best you can to take care of yourself. Because in the end that’s all you can do. Love to you!
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Please try not to compare yourself to others without bipolar (I need to take my own advice here), its not a fair comparison. If someone put me in a room full of biology graduates started a discussion on biology and then shouts at me for not keeping up with the discussion, I’m not a biologist, its an unfair criticism. Just because others ‘seemingly’ cope with ease doesn’t mean you ‘should’. I think at times we all need to be a little kinder to ourselves. People at work are always shocked when they find out I am depressed, they don’t see what happens in the toilets when I breakdown in tears or what happens when I get home. How many more people in my organization of 11 000 struggle everyday to manage their moods that I don’t see, if 1 in 100 people have bipolar probably about 110. How many people on my train in the morning, or traveling the same road as me. This thought helps me remember I’m not alone. You’re not alone either we’re all routing for you, hang in there.
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Thank you both!! Your kind words help me much more than you know. ❤
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