Wham, Bam, and Toucan Sam

I swear, after two weeks of intensive training at work, my brain is crammed so full I think I just heard it burp.

This is not a job for sissies, I can tell you that. And I haven’t even gone out on my first survey yet. There is SO much to know, so much to absorb……now I know why the training period is six to nine months. My trainers keep telling me to pace myself, there’s plenty of time to ask questions and learn the intricacies of the job; but as always, I keep gulping down huge globs of information and then getting frustrated with myself because I can’t retain much of it.

Obviously, I need a new learning style, and pronto. It’s waaaay too important that I get this. I want to do a good job, but I also know the pitfalls of defining myself, and my own self-worth, by what I do for a living. And as I recall, it didn’t work out too well for me the last time I did that. Does the term bipolar meltdown ring a bell?

Seriously, I’m getting too old for this shit. I turn 55 this Sunday, and I’m asking myself when I’m going to learn that moderation in all things is the only way to go. I’m getting it right in some areas—the sleep routine alone is a HUGE thing for me—but once again, I feel that old, familiar itch to have more, do more, be more.

I guess the fact that I’m at least trying to analyze it is evidence that I’m not completely hopeless in this regard. All I have to do is look over at Toucan Sam, who’s still perched on top of my computer, to remind myself that mania is NOT my friend and that being over-involved in work is a red flag for it. (Even though my engagement has to be pretty intense during the week, because that learning curve is steep!)

On the other hand…….how cool is it that I’ve recognized this so early in the game, while I still have time to dial it back a little? Until recently, I was so blind to the warning signals that I’d never have seen it coming, and it would’ve run right over me just like it has so many times in the past. Now I have the chance to correct my course and put my career in its compartment where it belongs, and the rest of my life in the other compartments.

So I left my laptop in its docking station at the building, where it’s safe and warm and I can’t touch it during this upcoming long weekend. I need to practice working with some of its features, but I’ll have plenty of time next week to do that. What’s even more important is learning how to be a marathon runner, rather than a sprinter as I’ve been all my life…..and even THAT is going to take some time. May as well settle in for the long haul, yes?


Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

6 thoughts on “Wham, Bam, and Toucan Sam

  1. Are you salaried or hourly? I think it’s important not to work for free! xoxo Maybe that is also a warning sign of impending mania?


  2. I’m salaried. Civil service positions almost always are. There’ll be a lot of comp time because surveys suck up a lot of hours, and the vacation/sick leave is very generous. And yes, being overinvolved in work can be one of the subtle signs that I may be ramping up. However, I don’t feel the least bit over-amped, and of course I’m going to be all over this because I’m brand-new and have a LOT to learn. But I am *definitely* aware that I need to work on balance. 🙂


    1. Well it can be a sign and also can lead to. One of those dang things. Like sleep. Lack of can be a sign but also can lead to, dag nab it… lol. I am proud o you bp – keep up the good work!


      1. You know, that’s one of the mysteries of this thing. Like the chicken or the egg, I wonder which comes first: do I get manic because of this, that or the other thing, or does this, that or the other thing happen because I’m manic? it’s probably a vicious circle, but it sure does puzzle me.


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