Just kidding……I’m actually enjoying being bombarded with information! This new venture of mine is so complex that I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of the tip of the iceberg, and it’s become very clear to me in this past week that I didn’t have the slightest idea of what I was undertaking when I said “Yes” to this job.
I feel like a toddler trying to cross a freeway…..I am soooooo not ready for prime time. And yet, it’s all OK because nobody is expecting me to know it all in two days. Or two months. Or even two YEARS, according to the head department manager.
I’m not freaking out. Maybe I should be; I know my fellow newbie, Carl, is on the verge of it, and he’s a retired Army colonel who’s lived more in his sixty years than most people would in two lifetimes. But even though there’s a long, hard road ahead, the challenge is positively invigorating, and learning that I beat out fifty-four other people for the position literally forces me to think just a wee bit differently about myself.
I almost fell off my chair when I heard that. Stuff like this just doesn’t happen to me. I’m still trying to grasp the fact that twelve people thought I had what it takes to do this job in the first place…..today one of them told me, “I can’t wait to see you in action!”
And once again, I wonder: what in the universe has changed so drastically as to allow me the chance to start completely over, and at this level of responsibility? Only a few short months ago I was going downhill at warp speed; now, I feel as normal as it’s possible to feel, and suddenly all of the anguish and the persistent sense of diminishment seem long ago and very far away.
Now before you go “Uh-oh!” let me simply state that I’m on guard, because I know how much trouble I can wind up in when I get to thinking too positively. But this particular period of remission has a different quality to it that I can’t quite put my finger on. I’ve been in good shape now for only few weeks, which is certainly nothing to write home about, but this time around I haven’t had a lot of variance in my day-to-day mood, even with all of the excitement surrounding my fresh start.
I’m not sleeping well—I’m trying to process WAY too much stuff in too short a time and my brain is a bit overheated. But I am in bed when I’m supposed to be—in fact, lately I’ve been in bed even earlier than I’m supposed to be—and of course I have my old friend Zyprexa PRN to subdue any budding screw-looseyness before it gets out of the starting gate. I don’t have time for bipolar symptoms…..I just want to make sure they don’t make time for me. KWIM?