The Beginning

I have never been so glad to ring in a new year in all my life. Barely a minute after the ball dropped at Times Square and Will and I kissed, I was racing around the house changing out all the calendars. I couldn’t get the 2013’s down fast enough. Even the dog got caught up in the spirit of the occasion and was prancing on her hind legs, proclaiming her joy with delighted yaps as she followed me.

Not that putting up a new calendar makes all the bad stuff from the previous year go away—I don’t believe in magic—but the process of making things better has already begun, and I’m actually excited for the first time in YEARS! I didn’t know I could still get that way without being at least a little hypomanic, but here I am, totally sane and feeling like a kid on the eve of her birthday. Yippee!

Naturally, the majority of the excitement is related to my new job, which begins in approximately four days, twenty-two hours and 56 minutes, but who’s counting, right? I haven’t looked forward to starting a job with this much anticipation since the very first time I walked onto a nursing unit with my newly-minted RN back in 1997. I don’t know for sure why this is, even though it IS the job I’ve wanted for years…..but for some odd reason, I think I’m going to enjoy it and be very good at it. Just the sound of my job title thrills me: Client Care Surveyor. I whisper it to myself every now and again, savoring the syllables as they roll off my tongue. Did I mention I was really, really excited?

But I don’t feel that I’m being grandiose (although I encourage you, Constant Reader, to tell me if you think I am). I don’t expect to be the greatest surveyor who ever walked the face of the earth, and I know I’m taking a big risk by accepting a position that features considerable travel, although all of it is in the same time zone. I also know that I’ll have to be EXTREMELY strict with myself in matters of getting adequate sleep and taking my meds on time; I haven’t forgotten a single dose since I’ve been on a sleep schedule, and I think that’s helped put me into remission as much as anything.

Another great thing is that I’m going to be working with people who don’t know my history and who think I’m worthy enough to be in this position. That gave me a HUGE boost that I needed desperately in order to regain some confidence in myself……oh hell, who am I kidding, my thinking did a complete about-face.

The only thing I’m concerned about right now is trying to explain this sudden turnaround to Dr. A on Friday—my sister ratted me out at her last appointment, and I’m afraid he thinks I lied to him about NOT getting the job. Well, at the time of my last appointment, I hadn’t gotten it, didn’t expect to get it, and was resigned to the fact that I wouldn’t get it. How would I have known that things would be different this time?

Besides…..there are three types of people you should never, ever lie to: your priest, your attorney, and your doctor. I may sometimes forget to mention something during a session, but I’ve never lied to Dr. A and I’m not about to start now. How stupid is it to pay someone hundreds of dollars to give advice, and then not tell them the truth?

I know he has concerns about the job. He told me as much when I first brought it up, even though he thinks I need to work more and have more structure. He was one of the people who picked up the pieces of me after my catastrophic job loss in May, and he’s right to be concerned. (That’s why I never worry anymore—he worries enough for the both of us.) For that matter, I am too…..I know my illness better than anyone else, and I’ve had tremendous difficulties in controlling its symptoms. Frankly, it’s a crapshoot, and only time will tell if I can handle the responsibilities of this position.

But as it’s been said, no matter whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right. It’s just that there’s a whole lot more of “I think I can” than there was before I went into remission and then was awarded the job. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s a whole ‘nother reason to celebrate! 🙂

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

2 thoughts on “The Beginning

  1. I can’t even imagine wanting to lie to my doctor! I know it shouldn’t strike me as weird that anyone would do such willfully, but I guess it does.

    Having a set sleep schedule has been such a wonderful tool for me in my management. I’m definitely going to miss the Seroquel for the next couple of months, because it’s helped me so much in that regard.


  2. There are a few other things you can do to help you relax, like turning off the computer and/or TV at least an hour or two before bedtime. (That’s the hardest thing for me to do.) Drinking chamomile tea and taking a bath or shower about 90 minutes before you’re ready to go to bed are also good. The warm water not only relaxes us, it also triggers a drop in body temperature that signals the brain that it’s time to sleep. Keep your room dark or use a sleep mask, and have a night light in your bathroom so you don’t have to turn on the lights if you need to get up during the night. Meditate or pray as the spirit moves you. 🙂


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