The Countdown Begins…..

… bpnurse prepares to tackle her new job without the baggage she has dragged with her through two unsuccessful attempts at remaining gainfully employed.

Actually, I can’t say I was a failure at the position I’m about to leave, but I was being phased out and I knew it. I spent an awful lot of time being sick in October and November, and it couldn’t have been mere coincidence that my December schedule was severely abbreviated. Since I really don’t want to know if it was or not, I never asked why and don’t intend to. I love the place and the people who work there, and I don’t want to remember any of it in a negative light.

So it’s on to bigger and (I hope) better things, and my intention is to NOT take my diagnosis with me into my new workplace. If it wants my attention, it’s damn well gonna have to wait around for me—ain’t nobody got time for this shit now. I’m not denying its existence, but it’s going to have to stay in its little corner and behave itself because it’s not going to be on display for all the world to see, no matter how much it thinks it deserves the limelight.

I am serious. I’ve changed my ID on Facebook, and other than my blog, I’ve largely stopped discussing my illness in public forums because it’s not something I wish to share with my future supervisors and co-workers. I do hope I don’t have to produce a list of medications (as many workplaces require employees to supply nowadays) because there is no way that someone could look at my current med list and NOT know that I’m being treated for bipolar disorder.

I also have this issue of monthly appointments with Dr. Awesomesauce which I’ll have to explain somehow, as most healthy 55-year-olds don’t have conditions that require seeing a medical provider so often. But I’ll cross both of those bridges when I come to them…..there’s no use in borrowing trouble. I’ve got people to impress and many, many new things to learn!

I’ve got to admit, the intrigue is actually kind of fun, if a bit melodramatic: will I really be able to keep my BP a secret? What’s more, will I be able to work sick? Because I will get sick again—it’s as inevitable as death and taxes. Even though I’m well now and am doing the things necessary to stay that way, I cycle much too rapidly and have had too many episodes not to know that another could happen at any time. This is why I very nearly turned down the job offer…..I simply cannot guarantee that I’ll be stable for the long term.

But then, neither can I guarantee that Will won’t have any more trouble with his cancer. Or that another family member won’t have some disaster that I need to deal with. Or that I won’t hit a patch of black ice and skid into oncoming traffic on the interstate. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and I’m sick to death of not taking risks because something MIGHT go wrong. What if I were to become not only good, but great at this job—wouldn’t it be awful if I’d never even attempted it just because I was too afraid?

Someone once said that if you find yourself standing at the edge of a cliff and put your fate in God’s hands, He’ll either give you a place to land or teach you how to fly. Here’s to that next new leap into life!

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

2 thoughts on “The Countdown Begins…..

  1. He wasn’t thrilled, especially with the fact that the hours would often be irregular. Routine is vital for me, and he was very worried that mine would be interrupted and disaster would strike. Well, it did strike, but it wasn’t because of a lack of routine. It was a lack of ability to learn and memorize large amounts of material, and to use what I did learn in the workplace. Neither of us anticipated that. But it is what it is.


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