It’s All Good

I’m doing really, really well these days. I’m happy (without being TOO happy, if you know what I mean) and I feel calm on the inside, even though I’m running out of unemployment and my last paycheck from my current job won’t even pay next month’s electric bill. The suckage in January will be horrendous, but I know better days are coming so there’s no use in getting all worried about it now.

I have regular sleeping hours, take my meds at the same time each day, do at least some mild physical activity on most days of the week, and even though I’m eating waaay too many Christmas goodies, that will stop soon so I’m just going to forgive myself in advance and enjoy. I’m healthy despite being around lots of sniffles and sneezes, and best of all, I’m at peace with my decisions regarding this huge challenge that I’m about to undertake.

It feels wonderful to be here, and I’m doing what I can to maintain it. Staying in remission is so crucial to succeeding in my new job, and I am MOTIVATED! Just being offered the position proved to me that all is not lost. By gosh, I still have some mojo left—even at my advanced age—and this has really changed the way I think about myself. It won’t solve all my problems, and it certainly won’t cure my bipolar, but at least I don’t feel like a loser anymore.

I also feel vastly relieved to be hanging up my stethoscope at last. I can hardly wait till this time next weekend, because that will be the last time I work in a clinical nursing role. I am SO done with it…..I’m sure I’ll miss it at some point, but not enough to go back to it even if something were to go sideways with the new job. I’ve simply run out of gas, and it’s been a struggle just to get through these past couple of months……yet when they cut my hours in December, it took the heart right out of me.

To give them the benefit of the doubt, I think they did it as a kindness to me as well as a business decision, because I was pretty sick for awhile there and I’m sure they knew it. But it still hurt. I’d wanted so badly to recreate the magic I made the first time I worked here, and all I wound up doing was disappointing everybody. I wish I could have been the same nurse they remembered so fondly even after several years away. But everything happens for a reason, and it makes me wonder how much longer it would’ve taken me to realize I was done if I hadn’t tried to resurrect my “glory days” on the floor.

Seriously, I think the cumulative stress of the past few years of my career, combined with events in my personal life, is what tipped me over into full-blown bipolar illness. Yes, I’ve probably had it for most (if not all) of my life, but it was like a sleeping animal waiting for a chance to pounce and when it did, it almost ruined me.

Of course, I have no idea of what sort of stress this new job will bring…..only that there will be stress, and only time will tell if I can manage it. All I know is that I’m as excited as a kid on Christmas morning and my illness is under control for now. Go ME!!