Today has been a better day. I took advantage of having an unusual Sunday off to go to Mass with Will, which never fails to give me at least temporary respite from my cares and worries. Being in church reminds me that there is a life outside of work and bills and health issues, and the more often I go the more I realize I need to.
Faith and spirituality have always been important to me, even during the years when I wasn’t actively practicing a religion. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t believe in a God of love and mercy; my grandmother began my education in matters of the Divine bright and early in life, and other than a couple of brief periods in my youth when I questioned His interest in me, I have always turned to Him in both bad times and good.
Even Dr. Awesomesauce has urged me on multiple occasions to stay in touch with my spirituality and to remain faithful to the teachings of my religion. In fact, one of my recent “homework” assignments was to go to Mass twice a week…..something that I haven’t been able to manage, but I have made it to church every week except for last weekend, when I was too depressed and anxious to deal with people. And it’s done me good, even if the effects don’t always last until I can get the next infusion of God’s goodness.
Not to be dismissive of those who hold different beliefs than mine, but I honestly don’t know how anyone makes it through life—bipolar or not—without faith. There have been times that I’d have done away with myself if I hadn’t been afraid that this one unforgiveable sin would separate me forever from God’s love. Even though a part of me realizes that He would probably understand the pain that drives some of His children to suicide, I don’t want to take the chance of being wrong…….there are so many questions I want to ask Him, and so many people I want to see again in Heaven!
Yes, I’ll be the first to admit that my faith is very childlike, and never more so than when I am depressed. I need to trust that there is a reason why I was given this particular cross to bear, that all suffering has a purpose, and that one day I will know only peace, love, and joy. Believe me, sometimes that’s the ONLY thing I have to hang my hat on when life is kicking me around like a badly made hacky-sack and I get to thinking that there are a lot worse things than dying……like living without hope.
Fortunately, I am something of an optimist, and it only takes a tiny flickering light of hope to keep me going when my world is darkened. Here, again, is where faith is of so much value, because I do have hope—that someday there will be no more pain and that I will finally be able to reach out and touch the face of my Lord.
That’s why I’m determined to keep both feet planted firmly on the ground here on Planet Earth no matter how badly I may feel at a given time, even though I know I can’t make any promises. I’m only human, after all, and all human beings have a breaking point. I pray that I may never reach mine.