……His wonders to perform. Or something like that.
I’ve only got about an hour and a half till lights-out, so I’ll have to make this relatively quick. Tonight, it feels as though a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders, blunting the sting of yet another disappointment. I’ll explain that in a minute.
As is my tendency after a mood episode, I feel extraordinarily fragile, as if it would take only the tiniest of upsets to tilt my world on its axis again. This was a bad one…..I really didn’t know just HOW bad it was until I realized that my ultra-conservative psychiatrist basically threw the kitchen sink at me to try to bring the damned thing under control. The fact that the gambit worked is a testament to his excellent judgment and expertise. But I also think God was working through him on this one, because I have things to do and people to annoy and a mission to fulfill. Just what that mission is, I have yet to discover, but after this afternoon I’m pretty sure what it’s NOT.
During the summer when I was looking for work—before I took my current job—I had applied for a position with the state that involves inspecting nursing homes to make sure they were in compliance with state and Federal regulations. Since the wheels of the government turn very, very slowly, I thought nothing more of it until a few weeks ago, when I got an E-mail inviting me to interview for the position. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? So I did the first interview, more out of curiosity than anything else, and I did well enough that I was asked back for the second round.
Today was the day. I didn’t have a great feeling about it, possibly because I was hypomanic when I did the first one and I most definitely do not have that sort of energy going for me now. I also tripped over a couple of questions and got flustered, which at my age and stage of professional life shouldn’t happen. But when it was all over, I realized that no matter how much I might want the job or how interesting it would’ve been, the fact remains that I cannot work a full-time job with long, irregular hours and frequent travel. I cannot do it. I have a sick husband who needs me close by, and I have bipolar disorder.
Once again, I’ve bumped up against the hard truth that there are limits to what I can do, and I resent the hell out of it. But Will put it this way: “Don’t do it. You and I both know that you’ll have another episode, probably sooner than later, and the next one just might be too much. Besides, you know what Dr. A would say.” Hoo, boy, do I ever know what he’d say…..he wasn’t exactly thrilled with the idea of this job BEFORE I found out more about it.
But that statement lifted an enormous weight from me: that of unrealistic expectations. Nobody—not my family, not my friends, not my doctor, and certainly not my employer—expects me to take on such a challenge. And what have I lost, really? Nothing. I simply stay where I am, doing what I’ve been doing…. picking up more hours when I’m feeling well, and throttling back a little when I’m not. Meanwhile, I’m working with some of the most incredible people on the planet, and more importantly, I’m home every night with my Will, and available to him when he needs me.
And so I say, the Lord works in mysterious ways. If I hadn’t crashed after going wackadoodles, I might have actually accepted the job if it were offered to me. If Will hadn’t developed swelling in his legs that needed attention right away, I would have gone into that meeting today with more confidence that everything would just somehow work out, and perhaps not fumbled those questions.
I must have been NUTS to think I could do this, even for a minute. God knew that.
Thank You.
bpnurse 
Wow girl, good for you. Yes definitely a God thing, He whispered and you heard 🙂
Sorry about Will’s legs, hope all is well with him!
LikeLike
I have just discovered your site and I am excited to find another nurse who has Bi-polar Disorder. The journey has been very difficult. I was a RN for 26 years always working 2 jobs when I had my 1st emotional break. Rapid cycling which almost left me dead 6 times before anyone began to realize that yes, she definitely has a problem that was not there before. I have been on every medication in the book and I recently even tried to do without any medication for a year. That really backfired! Been back on meds for 6 months. Doing stable at present. Anyway, what I would like to know is, how are you able to continue working as a nurse? I have not worked in 8 years. I began receiving disability assistance 3 years ago. I just turned 50. I hate not working!! I am obsessed with either working or going back to school. I am soooooooo scared I can’t do it. Do you know of anyone including yourself who has been able to recover professionally from it? Like you, I believe God has a purpose for everyone and everything that happens to them. He is in control. I just don’t know the what’s and why’s for me and my family. My husband has been a minister for 7 years now. His faith is strong but mine is beginning to dwindle! Please help!?
LikeLike
Hello, and thank you for your response! It’s good for me as well to know I’m not the only blogging BP nurse 🙂
I’ll be honest with you: I’m working as a nurse ONLY by God’s good graces and a very understanding workplace. Without those, I’d be on the street. I am unable to do management or clinical nursing anymore, but I do admissions and QA work at the skilled-nursing facility. They’ve known me for years, accept the fact that I am bipolar and that I have times when I’m unwell, and they don’t push me hard when they know I’m struggling. I do believe this is my last nursing job though…..if something happens to it, I’m done.
LikeLike
Hi Mrs. Why – I’m also an RN and actually unable to work as a nurse anymore 😦 I work part time as a cashier and I volunteer a lot at church. There are times I don’t even feel my love for my Savior and I just pray for God to restore it, and meanwhile keep serving Him – because I KNOW I do love Him, and don’t deserve His grace – and I look around me at how wonderful He is to me – even if I don’t feel it I’m thankful. Eventually He restores my feeling of joy. I have to remember the Bible doesn’t talk about “feeling” love or joy, I don’t know if this helps you but I pray that your faith is restored and that God shows Himself to you in a mighty way. Meanwhile if God truly put the desire for work or school He will provide a way for you. And if not He will help you find your way … you are still important and used by Him!!! If for no other reason, I’ve found, to share my experience and hope w/ other BP’ers. God bless!
LikeLike
Thank you so much for responding bp nurse and kbailey 374,
None of my family except my husband ( mainly because he lives with me and experiences my craziness) understands what I am going through. They think I should be content and sit back and draw my disability checks. I have the same relationship with nursing that I believe a lot of other nurses have. It is a love-hate relationship that beckons my name when I’m not doing it. Dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t!! I guess it’s the bi-polar in me. I answered this blog because I truly identify with bp nurse. I too did the same thing professionally in my last job that you are doing. I was an extended care facility supervisor, PI and QA director. I had done the job at first part time as a second job and eventually became the full time person. My first job then became part time. I worked in the OR at the hospital. The 2 facilities were across the street from one another. When my OR job ended and I was not on call, at 4, I would run across the street and pass 5 and 9 pm meds and then go home. It was tiring but It was easy money. I did this for 10 years. My nursing home ended embarrassingly and badly. I was naïve in the ways of management. A mediator team was hired by the NH to investigate a bad DHEC visit. The lead investigator befriended me and I naively trusted that she truly wanted to help the facility. I told her in detail all the “things” that I was powerless to fix.
Needless to say, she turned on me. In a board meeting she spilled every thing I told her. I was the hero but at the expense of causing the administrator, the DON and several other people to be fired. All this happened during one of my episodes in which I had not slept for 5 days and was on hyper-drive. It was just before I even knew I had bi-polar and immediately before my 1st major crash. It was absolutely terrible and I was guilt-ridden. I haven’t nursed since. It’s been a tough road. I am truly sympathetic to anyone with bi-polar. After 6 suicide attempts (which in my heart I don’t believe were suicide attempts, but just a way of trying to escape the pain and loss of control in my life) and a severe Xanax addiction developed from trying to deal with severe insomnia, I just don’t know what the Lord has in plan for me. All I know at this point is that I am a fighter. I hope one day I’ll win. Keep praying for all of us special souls who have the blessing of having bi-polar disorder. We all are truly special. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening. Thought I was the only nurse who had this !!
LikeLike
God bless you Mrs. Why! A very tough road 😦 It feels so good to be able to share with people who understand.
LikeLike
I’m very glad you found your way here, Mrs. Why Me! It does feel awfully lonely sometimes, being a nurse with bipolar disorder, but I can tell you that there are more of us than you know. Kbailey and I are members of Allnurses.com, the world’s largest nursing community, and through the years we have found a number of companions on the journey who are willing to be “out” as nurses with mental illness. There used to be a fair amount of stigma on the site, like everywhere else; but since we’ve been educating members about MI, it’s largely disappeared. Check it out! 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks, I love you both and will keep you in my prayers. God bless both of you. I will check out the mentioned site and I’ll be commenting on your blog bp nurse. I luv, luv your humor. Keep making us all smile!
LikeLike