Red Rubber Ball

Tonight’s post title notwithstanding, I am not having a good time bouncing around like the metaphorical spheric plaything.

The term mood lability doesn’t even begin to cover it. I just got done weeping over a bittersweet news story about an adopted daughter’s search for her mother, only a couple of hours after Will and I were goosing each other in Safeway and I laughed myself into an asthma attack. Before that, I was pissed off to the point of irrationality because of a post on my nursing forum denouncing the obese.

And then there was the phone conversation with Dr. Awesomesauce first thing this morning. He’s not a fan of these newest developments either and doesn’t think they’re necessarily related to Celexa withdrawal, which is why the mention of “doing something more drastic” came up. And that means going inpatient if today’s med adjustments don’t put an end to this shit.

Hey, maybe I’m not as paranoid as I thought…..for the last week I’ve been absolutely certain that Dr. A was going to put me in the hospital, and that’s why I’ve been so reluctant to call about all of this, even when I realized that it was out of control. Thankfully, this morning’s discussion reassured me that he’s trying to keep me OUT of the hospital. I am nothing if not an optimist, and I’m sure the one-two punch of antipsychotics will knock out the beast……and the increase in my mood stabilizer should help prevent the crash-and-burn.

I am determined not to go back on antidepressants. EVER. Once I come out on the other side of this clusterfuck, I don’t want to go through anything like it again in this lifetime. I still don’t understand the chemistry of how discontinuing an AD can make mania worse, but it did…….still, what I really can’t explain are the hallucinations, because those started before I stopped the med. Even today, I thought I heard music superimposed on a tune I was listening to on the radio. That is FREAKY, I tell you. When you can’t figure out what the hell is real, and what isn’t, it’s one of the scariest feelings in the world. I can’t wait to not feel like this again.

But it will get better. It has to. I’ve got too much to do in the coming weeks to be messing around with delusions and fighting off mania. Ain’t NOBODY got time for that!! I mean, look at this—it’s taken me a full thre hours to string together this blog post, and most of that time has been editing. My friends can always tell how manic I am by the number of typos I don’t bother to correct when I post on Facebook. If I were to let it go here, you wouldn’t be able to read this piece for all the mistakes I’ve made in typing it, so the finished product is truly a labor of love…..especially when you consider that when I’m stable I can pop these puppies out in a matter of an hour or so.

However, I make no guarantees as to whether the writing makes sense or not. 😉


Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

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