Bipolar Shopping Redux

Teeheehee…..I’ve got a few bucks left over after paying the rent. Think I’ll run over to Wal-Mart and look around.

Oh, look, It’s the fall dishware I bought last time!  And isn’t that great, there are glasses to match! (placing glassware in shopping cart) I wonder if we’re having Thanksgiving at our house this year? Ethan did such a nice job last year. I wish he didn’t have to work this Thanksgiving because I really did want to retire from hosting the big dinner. HEY!!! (glaring at woman who just T-boned my cart in Aisle 9) What the hell is WRONG with people these days??!! Don’t you look at me like that, you rude beeyotch!!

I see some sparkly nail polish on a shelf and grab several different shades. Well, hell, I haven’t bought any nail polish in months. I think people think I’m too old to wear glitter, well, I’m NOT! I never will be!! I only wear it during the holidays anyway. My birthday is only two months away. I’m going to go around town and ask for my senior discount at every place I know that gives them to people over 55. You know, I thought life was supposed to take longer than this. I’m going to be dead before I’ve had a chance to enjoy life without kids in the house. Oh, isn’t THIS cute! (Putting traffic-cone orange blouse in cart.) Perfect color for summer OR fall. Think I’ll get this in teal and royal blue, too…..

That reminds me, I need to pick up my meds. (Fumbling in purse for sticky notes.) Better write it down so I don’t forget. It won’t cross my mind again till after I’ve unloaded all my purchases at home and stashed them in the spare room closet so Will won’t see them. Where the hell are my breath mints? Better get some more while I’m at it (putting five boxes of TicTacs in the cart).

Oops, need to watch the time. It’s 12:30; I want to be home before 2 to watch the football game. I absent-mindedly put two books in my cart despite the fact that I lack the concentration to read more than a magazine article in one sitting. Then I start to sing a song from the Wizard of Oz: “The wind began to switch, the house, to pitch”……my thoughts began to race, my feet to pace…..ace, base, face, lace, mace, place, vase.

We need new bath towels. I’ve gotta pay the phone bill. (I’m back in the housewares section putting new dishtowels and potholders in the cart that match the dishes and glasses.) Oh shit, what time is it??! I want some of these (sweeping a half-dozen cans of cinnamon-spice air fresheners into cart) and these (ditto for pumpkin-scented candles). I think I’m a little hypomanic. It’s OK, I’ll call Dr. Awesomesauce if it gets too bad. I want to go to TJ Maxx next, do I have time? I put several bags of Halloween candy in cart, forgetting that we don’t get trick-or-treaters.)

OH. MY. GOSH. Is that a man or a woman??!! This is certainly the place to people-watch. I really need to stop posting in political forums—I’m beginning to piss people off. Aarrrgggghhh, why doesn’t that kid stop blowing that fucking whistle??!! Think I’ll walk over there and put that POS where the sun don’t shine!! What the hell is wrong with parents who’ll let that kind of shit go on and on and on?! Don’t they HEAR that??!

Oooh, guess we’re a little irritable, aren’t we? I get distracted by a random T-shirt with a funny saying on it, and toss it in the cart. Maybe my daughter will like it. SHUT UP YA LITTLE BASTARD!!!! I better get out of here before I spend my whole paycheck or beat the shit out of somebody. What time is it? I’m hungry. Did I even eat breakfast? Did I take my pills this morning? I am happyhappyhappy!!! Look at those trees out there—look at all the shades of red and yellow and orange—Lord, You make such cool stuff! And the sky is so blue I could almost swim in it!

Checking out of the store. I’ve dropped four hundred bucks in here. Well, at least it isn’t a thousand, right? Oh shit, game’s on in fifteen minutes. Should’ve bought a new pen. Ben-den-fen-Glen-hen-Jen-Ken-Len-Men-ten-when-yen-Zen.

And so it goes……until the beast turns on me and attacks. Which it always does. But somehow, impending disaster seems very far away as I walk out into the brisk autumn wind, and golden leaves that match the ones on my new dishes (and glasses) swirl around my feet.