I think my brain has caught onto the fact that it’s not getting the antidepressant anymore. Last night I decided I didn’t need the Zyprexa, even though I was feeling rather odd, what with the “brain-zaps” and the numbness around my lips that always accompany the stoppage of ADs. Unfortunately, I then proceeded to doze fitfully for about five hours and worry about my husband’s coughing spells, work, money, and pretty much everything else.
Result: I am all over the map today. I’ve been bouncing back and forth from feeling tearful to laughing my ass off to being madder than a wet cat, and back again. I know I’ve used the term before, but this is indeed bipolar on crack…..I am physically agitated, but have no desire to do any of the things I normally do at warp speed when manic. I am unstable, but don’t feel like it’s an emergency like I did on Wednesday when I called Dr. Awesomesauce. I am also an emotional wreck for a number of different reasons, but underneath it all is a sense of calm acceptance…..after all, this, too, shall pass.
It always does. And that, my friends, is the essence of bipolar disorder: EVERYTHING passes eventually. Depression lightens up and the breath of spring comes again. Mania turns down its volume and fades into a dull roar. Sadly, even periods of remission come to an end and the mood swings begin anew. But the one consistent thing about this illness is its inconsistency……and no matter how we feel at a given moment in time, something will always come along to change things up. 🙂