True to form, Dr. Awesomesauce called me back tonight as he was leaving work, and we hammered out a plan to wrestle this ol’ manic beast back under control. Well, that was when the poor guy could get a word in edgewise……I’ve never talked to him or let him see me when I’ve been this jacked-up, and he laughed out loud when I told him that for awhile there, I’d thought my diagnosis was wrong.
Unfortunately, this gave him the opportunity he’s wanted for a long time—to get me off the antidepressant.
I asked him if he remembered how things went the last time he took me off Celexa. I do, and it wasn’t pretty—the withdrawal symptoms were horrific and I not only got depressed, I got ANGRY depressed. I got AGITATED depressed. It sucked. I lasted exactly ten days before I pleaded for mercy and was put back on the AD.
Trouble is, even when you’re used to them, meds like Celexa and Prozac can still be activating, and I’ve actually heard of people whose manic episodes were greatly decreased, or even stopped once they went off these drugs. In all honesty, I suspect the good doctor may be right—we’ve tried a lot of different things to corral the mania, and neither of us wants to keep throwing higher and higher doses of antipsychotics at it. So I agreed…..although very, very reluctantly. I don’t want to get depressed, and I sure as HELL don’t want to walk around pissed off all the time.
But as usual, Dr. A has an answer for everything: “Yeah, but you weren’t manic when we tried taking you off the AD the last time,” he reminded me. Which is true—I was in a neutral zone then, which seemed like a good time to do it. He HATES it when his bipolar patients come with AD prescriptions from their internists, because he subscribes to the theory that these meds predispose us to mania. And who’s to say he’s wrong in my case?
I’m also gonna be taking a small dose of Zyprexa for a couple of nights to get rid of the acute symptoms and let me get some freaking SLEEP. There’s a reason I don’t throw out old meds until they’re past their expiration dates….you just never know when you’ll need ’em again.
To say that I’m scared to try this again would be an understatement. But I AM better medicated this time around, and if going off the AD is the key to stopping this shit from happening……well, I’ve got things to do and can’t be bothered to stop for mood episodes every few months!
Wish me luck. I have a day of work tomorrow that involves a task that requires close attention to detail (I must’ve been out of my gourd to agree to do it when I was right smack-dab in the middle of a manic phase) and I really don’t want to screw it up. Nor do I want to call in sick because I’m obviously NOT ill…..well, not physically anyway.
In the meantime, I have painted my nails for Halloween in such a fashion that I’m rather proud of myself for my originality. I have this solid black nail enamel (yes, even we old ladies have to channel our inner Goth sometimes), over which I painted a holographic orange glitter that turns fluorescent green in certain lights. It looks so awesome that my imagination is going wild—I think next I’ll try the black base with red sparkles, and then maybe with gold or silver crackle polish. Gotta love being creative!