I Know This Sounds Weird, But…..

…..this is the most well-balanced I have ever been in my life. I’m not kidding. My moods are stable to the point that I don’t really have any. I have enough energy to do what I want, and I feel great, but there’s no fever in it like there is with hypo/mania; even when I feel a little lazy on a given day, it doesn’t feel like I’m sliding into depression. Hallelujah, I’m cured!

OK, don’t worry—I’m very aware that bipolar can’t really be “cured”, and I’m under no illusions about coming off medications. I know better than anyone what they’ve done to get me to this marvelous place, and they are literally the glue that holds me together. But I can’t help thinking that I might be one of those lucky people who never has another mood episode. Ever.

Then THAT kind of thinking teases me with the idea that maybe, just maybe, my mind made up all this crap and I finally snapped out of it. It’s like that old question about whether a tree falling in the forest makes a sound if no one is around to hear: if you’re not having any symptoms, you can’t be mentally ill, right?

Of course, my friends are telling me not to get ahead of myself, and of course they’re right. When things are going well, I should be even more vigilant than usual against these kinds of mental meanderings, because DeNial is more than just a river in Egypt and everybody knows where THAT leads.

Still……it’s tantalizing to imagine the possibility of staying the way I am right now, for the rest of my life. (Yeah, I probably have more chance of winning the lottery, but then I like to imagine what I’d do if I did. HA!) No more crippling depressions. No more manic episodes that cause me to lose jobs, spend too much money, or alienate my family and friends. No more wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. No more $350 doctor visits (well, maybe a couple times a year for med management).  No more screaming fits, no more road rage, no more dealing with intrusive thoughts or taking impulsive risks or feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin. Freedom!!

Yeah, right.

But it sure is fun to think about.

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

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