If there is, I think I’m there. Or at least, I’m getting there.
I can’t remember a time in the past few years when I’ve felt so…..well, there. With the exception of those few days when I decided to play doctor and change up the dose of the glue that holds me together, I’ve been more or less stable since mid-July.
My friends caution me (with good reason) not to think that I’m “all better”, or that this is over by any stretch of the imagination. After all, it has been only weeks, not months, since my last mood episode and med adjustment, and I know that. But I’ve come far enough along to start wondering what’s next…..I mean, what will my new “there” look like?
I wonder what a truly stable BPN might be capable of doing. Will I ever again have a sufficient attention span to read a book? How about sticking with a job longer than 2 1/2 years? Or making it back to being a fully functioning nurse? Is any of that even possible—or realistic?
And meds…..might there be any chance of coming off a couple of them one day? Or if not, could I at least come off the expensive one and hold the line on the others? I mean, NOBODY stays on this much medication for the rest of their lives….or do they?
I also wonder how often stable patients have to see their doctors. Seems to me I’d only have to go in for maintenance every 3-4 months or so like I do with my internist, which would certainly be easier on the pocketbook (although I’d certainly miss the companionable chat and the teasing, which I DON’T get from my internist). Hell, as long as neither of us messes with the meds and I’m not having any mood episodes, why would I need to go in more than once or twice a year?
Of course, I don’t know the answers to any of this because I haven’t gotten to the next “there” yet. I’m sure some of my readers are thinking I’m getting too far ahead of myself, and they’re probably right…..but damned if it doesn’t feel GREAT even to be able to contemplate a time when maybe—just maybe—I won’t have to deal with this as much as I have for the past year and a half.
Now, I am fully aware that I have yet to be put to the test of another winter, which is historically a bad time for my depression. If I can make it through February without crashing, however, I’ll know for sure that I’m really and truly well at last.
Yes, I know it’s never happened before. Yes, I know I’ve struggled with mania and depression my whole life, and the odds are against my breaking the mood cycles completely. But I also never had the advantages of medication and therapy before, and with all this good care, I’m beginning to think I’m going to get to whatever “there” is there. So there. 😉
bpnurse 