You See, It’s Like This…..

OK, it’s getting weird around here again.

You know how I’ve been so proud of being stable for a while and rolling with the punches, dealing with the twin stressors of a sick husband and a career implosion without going into a mood episode? Yeah, well, for some reason I decided three days ago that it was time to do like my p-doc asked and experiment with lowering my AP dose…, my filters have mysteriously shut down and I’m gettin’ jiggy widdit again. I’m not manic, but I can definitely feel a shift in my mood and energy levels and now I don’t know WHAT the hell to do.

I have an appointment Wednesday, so I think part of my reasoning (if there was any) was wanting to brag on my stability AND report that I was getting along on the reduced dose. I don’t usually manipulate my psych meds on my own, but I’d been given the green light to do so with this one. I feel like Leslie Nielsen in those Airplane movies: “Looks like I picked the wrong week to cut down on Geodon!”

Then again, I’m sure it doesn’t help that I forgot my morning meds a couple days ago. Disaster doesn’t strike if I miss the AMs like it does if I don’t take the PMs, and I got through the day without all hell breaking loose—in fact I didn’t even think about it till the next morning. I should’ve been OK. So the logical conclusion would be that the culprit is the change in the AP. I think.

Oh, hell, I don’t know. I’m not a doctor, and when it comes to dealing with this stupid disorder I don’t even feel like a nurse most of the time. My inner clinician tells me that my body shouldn’t have noticed anything yet—I shouldn’t be on the verge of hypomania from two nights at half the former dose. But my brain seems to feel differently, and now I’m not even sure if this is the real deal or if it’s just my subconscious playing tricks on me.

My phone is ringing. It’s my sister, and I don’t want to talk to her right now because she only calls or texts me when she wants something, plus she goes sort of crackers after about 5 PM and I’m apt to make an observation to that effect. Needless to say, I have no desire to hurt her or anyone else—I’m not totally inconsiderate—so it’s best if I just STFU and let it go for the night.

See, I’m not too bad off…..even if it HAS taken me two hours to write this simple post. Damn those distractions!

Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

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