No Experience Necessary

I don’t know about you, but I find perusing the job listings at my friendly local unemployment office to be quite entertaining. Where else could I find “opportunities” like working on an Alaskan fishing boat……becoming a cemetery worker……learning to wire little teeny circuit boards together?

Who the hell does that stuff? I worked on an assembly line in my way-back days and there simply wasn’t enough in the job to occupy the mind (hence my frequent attempts to inject some interest into the shift by spiking the water cooler with vodka or gluing the plant manager’s phone receiver down so that when he picked it up, the whole phone would come with it and subsequently crash onto the desk). I was hell on wheels, but I managed to keep the same job for almost five years despite multiple write-ups and inter-department transfers.

Fast-forward a couple of decades to my first nursing position, which lasted a little over three months. Still, it was a job I could really sink my teeth into—a job where I could use my hands AND my smarts—and I enjoyed being a nurse, even if I’ve never been too keen on being an employee.

Unfortunately, however, the intellectual stimulation eventually became too much for my “disordered” brain, and now I need to get out of clinical nursing because I can’t handle the constant barrage of information that comes at one from all directions. So I’ve found myself in the unenviable position of changing course in late mid-life……and that’s how I wound up at the unemployment office, scanning the hundreds of jobs available.

Hmmm, this one sounds interesting: “Ticket Taker for XYZ University football games, 10 hrs/week, $8.95 per hour.” Yep, I could deal with that—spending my Saturdays standing out in 40-degree cold and getting rained on while dealing with college kids who are full of attitude and beer……all for minimum wage. Wow. Better jump on that one before it’s gone. Wonder if I could get into the games for free?

Here’s another: “Appointment setter for dynamic local business, 4 evenings/week, hourly wage + commission.” Translated, it means being a telemarketer who gets cussed out and threatened by strangers. Oh, wait a minute—as a nurse I put up with the same crap, and for about $25 more an hour. Guess I can cross THAT one off the list.

Still another: “Earn While You Learn! Become An Exterminator at Kritters, Inc.” Uh-huh. I can just imagine my arachnophobic, fiftysomething self crawling under houses with nothing but a hazmat suit and a ginormous container full of chemicals on my back to protect me from the “kritters”. Forget that shit…..that’s an oh HELL no!!

And look, here’s a REAL winner: “No Experience Necessary! Work from home selling the nation’s No. 1 cookware! Generous commission and incentives. Demo set $250, refundable after initial sales goals met. Call today!” I mean, what could go wrong?

No, this business of changing careers—aw, let’s just call it what it is, changing focus—at this stage of the game is some pretty tricky stuff, and I’m just an amateur in a world of professional job-hunters. In other words……I’m DOOMED.

Maybe I should just stick with my happy, little, very part-time job doing admissions at my SNF, and call it good. It’s not real nursing, but it sure pays like it, and it doesn’t tax my brain to the point of overloading and shorting out…..which beats Wally World in a landslide. Onward and upward!