Troubled Times

Today’s post is going to be brief and to the point: I took my husband to the ER this morning per his doctor’s recommendations due to repeated bouts of nausea, belching, and right-sided back pain. Classic signs and symptoms of gallbladder disease, which the ER doc, nurse, and I all thought it was; he felt better after he got some pain and nausea medications, and we figured he’d probably have the thing out and be home by nightfall.

If only that were his major malfunction. Shockingly, his CT scan revealed liver tumors of unknown type as of this writing, and he was admitted to the hospital for further testing and probable surgery tomorrow morning. The only reason I’m on the computer right now is that I needed to come home and let the dog out, feed the cats and clean out the litter box, and grab a few items so I can stay with him at the hospital tonight.

I can’t do this.

I can’t do this.

But I have to do this.

He deserves nothing less than my best. After 33 years and countless life experiences together, if there was ever a time I needed to keep my head on straight, now is it. We’re both scared shitless, but it’s his body, his illness……he doesn’t need me to fall apart, and he sure as hell shouldn’t have to pick up the pieces now, as he’s done so many times over the course of our marriage. I have to be strong. And as desperately as I want to maintain a clinical distance so I can cope with this hairpin turn in our lives, I know he needs me to be his wife, not his nurse.

I have never been so afraid in all of my life.

To be continued……



Published by bpnurse

I'm a retired registered nurse and writer who also happens to be street-rat crazy, if the DSM-IV.....oops, 5---is to be believed. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 55, and am still sorting through the ashes of the flaming garbage pile that my life had become. Here, I'll share the lumps and bumps of a late-life journey toward sanity.... along with some rants, gripes, sour grapes and good old-fashioned whining from time to time. It's not easy being bipolar in a unipolar world; let's figure it out together.

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