I’m Down With That
And, just like that……..the meds have kicked in and I’m down off my manic high. Whew!
I’ve been tired today, almost drained even. My friend Jesse describes it perfectly; he calls it “the bipolar hangover”. I even have blank spots in my memory of that rush of days, just like I used to years ago when I was drinking heavily. But if I’m going to be hung over, this is the way to do it, because I feel GOOD. Not too good, mind you, just good good like when you’ve been through a nasty illness and you finally start feeling like yourself again. And in a sense, I have.
At first when I woke up this morning, I was afraid I’d crashed. But as I sipped my coffee and chatted with my husband, I realized that it was because being manic is like having a high fever: when it finally breaks and your body temperature drops to normal, you often feel downright chilly.
Everything looks better today. The mini-crisis of last night is already receding to the back of my mind; I’m calm and can even shut up and listen for a change; and I still have enough energy to work in the yard but my “happy feet” are no longer doing their frenetic (and incessant) tap-dancing. I’m even beginning to look forward to this next week, which is going to be insanely busy with only one day off in the middle of it all.
It’s scary to think how close I came—again—to going over the edge. I’ve been telling myself for two weeks that I was merely hypomanic, and for much of that time I was……but although it wasn’t as bad as some I’ve had, this eventually became a full-blown manic episode. My family and friends knew it; my doctor knew it; hell, even the neighborhood probably knew it, as I have this embarrassing tendency to loudly proclaim my emotions to the world at large, and let me tell you, my voice carries. ‘Nuff said.
So I’ve let myself off the hook as far as calling my p-doc is concerned; I’m responding to treatment, and I see him next Friday anyway. It’ll be interesting to see how I do once I go back to my standard AP dose Monday night, especially in light of the fact that I’ll be at a training seminar for three full days and two nights…..some pretty unique circumstances for a country girl who seldom ventures into “the city”.
I don’t know; it may be too much to ask of my poor overheated brain to perform these mental gymnastics, but I’ve got to give it a shot. I can’t go through the rest of my life being unable to adapt to changing situations. And I can’t live in fear of colliding head-on with my bipolar disorder every time I experience something stressful.
We shall see…….in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy all the sensations of feeling closer to normal once again. But right now, the recliner chair, my “blankie”, and my dog are looking pretty inviting right now. zzzzzzzz