No, seriously, I do. I’ve got my computer humming and my iPod cranked up as I’m sitting here typing away and tapping my toes, sometimes in rhythm with the music but more often at a pace independent of any tune. I don’t make these decisions for them anymore…..they just sort of do what they want, whenever they want.
You see, it’s almost midnight and my body’s still geared up for fun. Contrary to what I said a couple of days ago, I am a wee bit ‘elevated’ as they call it in some circles…..OK, I’m having a few symptoms of hypomania. Well, not really hypomania but pre-hypomania, if you don’t mind me making up new medical terms. (I’m not sure my pdoc would go along with this….he’d probably call it something a little stronger, IF I were to overreact and report this little blip on my radar screen.)
This is where I get confused about what things is, and what they ain’t. Depression isn’t too difficult to suss out unless I’ve got a mixed mood episode going on; where I have trouble is determining the difference between the average good mood and the pathological type. I’ve felt FANTASTIC the past couple of weeks—it’s my favorite time of year, the weather has been hot and sunny, and I’ve been excited about starting my new job. All of that is merely situational, therefore I don’t really believe it’s related to my illness. People do have legitimate feelings of well-being, you know—not every joyful moment is incipient mania!
And of course I don’t want those good feelings to end, so it would be foolish to read too much into the late nights, the fidgeting, the dichotomy of being at one with the world while getting irritated with all the stupid assholes who occupy it. As well as this horsefly that keeps buzzing my head as I’m writing this…..where the hell is the friggin’ FLYSWATTER when you need it?? Oh, there it is on the kitchen counter, ewwww…..WHAM!!! Hasta la vista, baby!!
Where was I? Oh yeah…..I was about to talk about how everything seems more alive in the summer, especially Nature’s bounty of flowers and delectable fruits and fun stuff to do. I can’t wait until Will gets our above-ground pool up and running…..I love lazing around out there on a big floatie thing, enjoying the sensations of the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, and the cool water on my tanned skin. It’s the single most relaxing thing I ever get to do, and I wish I could do it year-round. But then maybe I wouldn’t appreciate it the way I do, or dream about it when it’s 40 degrees and raining for weeks on end.
Here’s the part where I imagine the regular reader of this blog is wondering when I’m going to call my pdoc. And the answer is, I KNOW he said to call in if I started ramping up, but I have a sneaking hunch that this may resolve itself. The elevated mood and hyperactivity have popped up a couple of times recently and settled right back down again, so I don’t want to waste his time when it’s more than likely to be self-limiting. I’m only talking about it here because if I do wind up having a problem, this post could serve as a reference point.
And yeah, it also serves as a way of reassuring myself that I really am OK, even though I no longer feel as ‘normal’ as I did during those wonderful weeks preceding the onset of summer weather. I don’t feel anything like I did at this time last year either, for which I am deeply thankful…..and since I don’t want to experience that again, I’ll give Dr. Awesome a holler if I feel myself headed in that direction.
In the meantime, my feet are just gonna keep dancing whether I want them to or not. Happy Fourth of July!