Lead Me Not Into Temptation (I Can Find It Myself, Thanks!)

Going back to work after having had a two-month sabbatical is nothing less than amazing. Your perspective is fresh, you look at things with new eyes, and you’ll do just about anything to keep the honeymood period going. Which may not be the wisest course of action in my case, but I’m doing it anyway because THIS time, people understand. Not only about my diagnosis, but the person I am outside of it.

Today my friend (and now boss), “Katie”, asked me to take a two-day course covering recent changes in the way nursing-home residents are assessed. The purpose of this education is so that I can fill in whenever one of the resident care managers is on vacation or otherwise out for a few days to a week or so. I don’t mind doing it, as the leadership role comes so blasted easily to me, and I’ve had to stand on my tongue several times already to stop myself from blurting out some management cliché that I used in my former life in the upper echelons. Now I’m so far down the organizational food chain that I barely exist, but I’m determined to stay there.

I made this solemn promise not only to my family but my psychiatrist as well (mainly because he made me promise), and I’m not going back on it. Even Katie knows this, and she told me today that she’s doing her best to protect me because she doesn’t want to push me over the edge or make me do something I’m not comfortable with. (This is yet another reason why I love this facility—they ALL know I’m battling bipolar, yet for some reason they love me anyway.)

But I have a hunch that sooner or later, they may want me to flex my muscles at a higher level and I’m not sure I’ll be able to resist the temptation, even though I’d rather swim with the minnows than run with the big dogs at this point in my life. I’m a born leader and I can’t help that…..to declare otherwise would be a lie. What I WANT to be able to do is set the standard for performance and also promote cooperation among the staff, which is where I excelled during my previous tenure in this facility. I don’t have to run everything, but I do want to be in charge of something.

For now, though, it’s one o’clock in the morning, I haven’t taken my nightly handful of sanity, and I’m already a bit hypo as it is. Guess I’d better start with a little self-management first.